Post by TheFirebrand on Jun 23, 2013 15:32:05 GMT -6
Was just looking thru the notes on my personal Facebook profile and was reminded that some of that stuff was posted because our relationship was being attacked from the start. And the workings against us kept getting stronger and more difficult to overcome during the past 2 years. That means we were doing something right, or were trying to. Now we are here, and all that has built up to weigh on us has become too heavy. Of all the things I regret, learning some of the Biblical and worldly things that I know now is what I regret the most ... because THAT is when this marriage first became vulnerable. And we had only been married 3 months, we discovered Megan was pregnant, I lost the job, then the apartment, and it just dragged on from there ...
With everything that has happened since my love for her has not weakened or faltered, not even when I was tempted to allow myself to become poisoned against her. Even now when she is a completely different person, seemingly unnoticed by everyone else, I know the true Megan is still in there.
I won't leave her, I won't leave my daughter. I wont divorce. Indiana state law wont sanction a divorce to just anyone with circumstances like ours. They almost seem to follow the Biblical standard of marital law first before just signing away the covenant between two people. I have not mistreated her in anyway. (Yes there were times I raised my voice and chose the wrong words, she also did these things) ... what married couple doesn't?
I can blame anything from the devil to postpartum stress for the way things are now, but I have been hit hard with conviction for my own guilt also. When you combine that with how much I miss being her loving husband and with the life I left behind, its a wonder I don't take up drinking or fall back into that life I left behind ...
The love between Megan and I is beyond just our own hearts. Its the one gift from God that we both sought and prayed for. So of course things, people and evil are going to work against that. Now there is also a child, God's marriage gift to us. The fear of her growing up with her thoughts poisoned against me, or against her mother or confused about whats wrong is so overwhelming.
The child deserves to be raised by her two natural parents, God fearing parents, and to witness the love of both God and the way it should be between a man and woman ... even and most especially during times when love is not seemingly mutual.
The morals and values of this world have been destroyed by so many influences. Life has been a hard and painful walk for me. I truly feel that I deserves this too. Most certainly Megan does. I still hate myself for losing that job and losing our first place together. I will never get over the loss and defeat she had to feel so shortly after moving out into the world. I have tried so desperately to find our way back out on our own. I put forth so much energy and effort into caring for our child so she could handle working for her first time so soon after having her first baby. I loved her and cared for her even when she was not aware in her usual sleep mode ... haha.
I have failed in that cause and may never deserve her forgiveness for it, but my heart knows where God's will lies ... and that is the only thing I have left in this world to keep my faith in.
With everything that has happened since my love for her has not weakened or faltered, not even when I was tempted to allow myself to become poisoned against her. Even now when she is a completely different person, seemingly unnoticed by everyone else, I know the true Megan is still in there.
I won't leave her, I won't leave my daughter. I wont divorce. Indiana state law wont sanction a divorce to just anyone with circumstances like ours. They almost seem to follow the Biblical standard of marital law first before just signing away the covenant between two people. I have not mistreated her in anyway. (Yes there were times I raised my voice and chose the wrong words, she also did these things) ... what married couple doesn't?
I can blame anything from the devil to postpartum stress for the way things are now, but I have been hit hard with conviction for my own guilt also. When you combine that with how much I miss being her loving husband and with the life I left behind, its a wonder I don't take up drinking or fall back into that life I left behind ...
The love between Megan and I is beyond just our own hearts. Its the one gift from God that we both sought and prayed for. So of course things, people and evil are going to work against that. Now there is also a child, God's marriage gift to us. The fear of her growing up with her thoughts poisoned against me, or against her mother or confused about whats wrong is so overwhelming.
The child deserves to be raised by her two natural parents, God fearing parents, and to witness the love of both God and the way it should be between a man and woman ... even and most especially during times when love is not seemingly mutual.
The morals and values of this world have been destroyed by so many influences. Life has been a hard and painful walk for me. I truly feel that I deserves this too. Most certainly Megan does. I still hate myself for losing that job and losing our first place together. I will never get over the loss and defeat she had to feel so shortly after moving out into the world. I have tried so desperately to find our way back out on our own. I put forth so much energy and effort into caring for our child so she could handle working for her first time so soon after having her first baby. I loved her and cared for her even when she was not aware in her usual sleep mode ... haha.
I have failed in that cause and may never deserve her forgiveness for it, but my heart knows where God's will lies ... and that is the only thing I have left in this world to keep my faith in.