Post by TheFirebrand on Feb 9, 2014 11:54:42 GMT -6
Wifi hopping, dozing off, trying not to sleep in public, sitting around alone, watching other couples and families together, missing my daughter, torn between hating my wife and needing to love her again ... becoming an invisible part of the scenery.
Some people would consider my life a form of freedom. Those people probably don't have anyone to concern themselves with and probably don't have any real desires for living a real life. Being a dissident at the cost of your family and marriage isn't freedom when I am always alone and missing them while they live without me. Being homeless because I can't find stable work isn't liberty when I am not free to roam the lands and live off of it. Sitting around all day in different places to be connected on wifi, unable to go anywhere else, unable to eat properly, unable to sleep, unable to be a husband and father ... is not freedom.
Some have compared me to Elijah or Paul in areas where preaching is concerned. Well they had certain freedoms back then that do not exist now. But I can promise you that as human beings they were not happy people. They certainly suffered the loneliness and longing for love and life. As did many others in the Bible.
I remember when I was younger and starting out in my walk with God that people in the church would compare what I was going thru then to the sufferings of Job and others. Even Jabez. Now, today, most of the same people and many others see me as all kinds of negative things. I am not looked upon as a man with a heart or feelings. I am rejected like a stone that just doesn't fit in with whats being built ...
The destruction of a marriage and keeping a father from his child are justified because I'm unacceptable in the popular circles. How much I'm hurting doesn't even cross anyone's mind. "he is just looking for pity" my own wife has stated. She also told me to kill myself and I heard she laughed when I almost did die in an accident. These and lots of other reasons are why I know she is not herself or acting from her own usual thinking. She has been poisoned ...
What I am looking for or seeking has never changed. My desire to be a husband and father, to work and provide for my family, to love and cherish my wife and daughter ... these things have not died from within me. These are still very strong passions that rip away at my heart every hour of every day. My convictions on marriage make it all that much more painful for me ...
This marriage, my wife, were never given the chance deserved to become established and strong, to become stable and grow.
There is no moving on from this with a conscious like mine. If I had work and a bed, it would only be to better sustain me in my existence. Whatever preaching or on line work I continued doing would be with a heavy heart for the purpose of meeting God and being saved from this life. My heart will never stop crying to hold my girls in my arms again ... to love them again.
Some people would consider my life a form of freedom. Those people probably don't have anyone to concern themselves with and probably don't have any real desires for living a real life. Being a dissident at the cost of your family and marriage isn't freedom when I am always alone and missing them while they live without me. Being homeless because I can't find stable work isn't liberty when I am not free to roam the lands and live off of it. Sitting around all day in different places to be connected on wifi, unable to go anywhere else, unable to eat properly, unable to sleep, unable to be a husband and father ... is not freedom.
Some have compared me to Elijah or Paul in areas where preaching is concerned. Well they had certain freedoms back then that do not exist now. But I can promise you that as human beings they were not happy people. They certainly suffered the loneliness and longing for love and life. As did many others in the Bible.
I remember when I was younger and starting out in my walk with God that people in the church would compare what I was going thru then to the sufferings of Job and others. Even Jabez. Now, today, most of the same people and many others see me as all kinds of negative things. I am not looked upon as a man with a heart or feelings. I am rejected like a stone that just doesn't fit in with whats being built ...
The destruction of a marriage and keeping a father from his child are justified because I'm unacceptable in the popular circles. How much I'm hurting doesn't even cross anyone's mind. "he is just looking for pity" my own wife has stated. She also told me to kill myself and I heard she laughed when I almost did die in an accident. These and lots of other reasons are why I know she is not herself or acting from her own usual thinking. She has been poisoned ...
What I am looking for or seeking has never changed. My desire to be a husband and father, to work and provide for my family, to love and cherish my wife and daughter ... these things have not died from within me. These are still very strong passions that rip away at my heart every hour of every day. My convictions on marriage make it all that much more painful for me ...
This marriage, my wife, were never given the chance deserved to become established and strong, to become stable and grow.
There is no moving on from this with a conscious like mine. If I had work and a bed, it would only be to better sustain me in my existence. Whatever preaching or on line work I continued doing would be with a heavy heart for the purpose of meeting God and being saved from this life. My heart will never stop crying to hold my girls in my arms again ... to love them again.
