Post by TheFirebrand on Nov 16, 2013 11:06:41 GMT -6
I really can't seem to find any reaction within me over what's happened and my wife thinking its a big joke. Its not like I just fell off my bike. I flew thru the air. My helmet saved my life and the layers under my leather coat padded my vital organs. But I didn't land flat on either. I slid across the pavement. The helmet took the blunt of the damage. If my head wasn't protected, it would have been over ...
My hand is pretty badly damaged. I don't know how much function I will regain. If God brought me out here to work, He'll heal it.
I just can't believe my wife. A nurse called her because she was already my only emergency contact. And from what I was told, it sounded as tho I would have needed to be in a coma or near death for her to bother even remotely caring. Then she makes jokes about it?
The mother of my child, the shining star in my dark world, my lifeline on this earth has been poisoned, turned against me. Im suffocating inside. My chest tightens and my heart hurts any time I get overwhelmed. My mind is ever haunted by images and memories of Megan, Cassidy and myself together. I become enraged at the thought of them with another.
I don't need pills, I need a fighting chance to make a life.
Then I hurt again knowing I failed spiritually, Biblically to stop this. I'm an endless cycle of pain and frustration. I can't even fathom an end to this anymore. I know my wife is not herself. I know she has become everything she hates. I stay loyal to her for that reason alone, but I still miss my daughter with great sorrow. Its destroying how I see myself because she was the last person to hold, express any love for me, she was the last of my identity, my only purpose left for living. Now I have nothing, now I am nothing ...
If this is how I must exist then I no longer care to. If something good and wonderful is supposed to come out of this ...
Ever since I was 17 I've been told time and time again that things will work out, things will get better. I lost a lot of faith and stopped believing that before I met Megan. How do you think I feel now ... ?
It shouldn't matter if Satan knows all the desires of my heart. God can put him at bay but doesn't. I'm tired of being tested and put thru trials and going them alone, not to mention my own wife becoming a tool used against me. My own family being destroyed ...
How am I supposed to submit to God under these conditions? How am I supposed to minister? Nobody hears the words of vagabonds or broken down drifters today. If you don't have some kind of status, some sort of stability for people to see, its impossible to convince them that your faith means anything. Many "homeless" and mentally ill individuals talk about God constantly and people just ignore them. If I'm going to be some sort of messenger I need my wife with me, some form of stability, an income. Something a long those lines to help me feel realistic and relevant ...
My own nature doesn't even allow me to simply accept how things are, unlike how easy it is for most people. In my heart I know this is all wrong. So as you can imagine I'm very torn about what to do ... I mean everything I've prayed for lines up with Bible and God's own will for marriage and family. So I'm pretty lost as to why I'm not even able to have a relationship with my daughter or find a stable job.
I am not undeserving ...
Right now I'm stuck in another town with a busted up hand and my head is filled with only uncertainty ...
My hand is pretty badly damaged. I don't know how much function I will regain. If God brought me out here to work, He'll heal it.
I just can't believe my wife. A nurse called her because she was already my only emergency contact. And from what I was told, it sounded as tho I would have needed to be in a coma or near death for her to bother even remotely caring. Then she makes jokes about it?
The mother of my child, the shining star in my dark world, my lifeline on this earth has been poisoned, turned against me. Im suffocating inside. My chest tightens and my heart hurts any time I get overwhelmed. My mind is ever haunted by images and memories of Megan, Cassidy and myself together. I become enraged at the thought of them with another.
I don't need pills, I need a fighting chance to make a life.
Then I hurt again knowing I failed spiritually, Biblically to stop this. I'm an endless cycle of pain and frustration. I can't even fathom an end to this anymore. I know my wife is not herself. I know she has become everything she hates. I stay loyal to her for that reason alone, but I still miss my daughter with great sorrow. Its destroying how I see myself because she was the last person to hold, express any love for me, she was the last of my identity, my only purpose left for living. Now I have nothing, now I am nothing ...
If this is how I must exist then I no longer care to. If something good and wonderful is supposed to come out of this ...
Ever since I was 17 I've been told time and time again that things will work out, things will get better. I lost a lot of faith and stopped believing that before I met Megan. How do you think I feel now ... ?
It shouldn't matter if Satan knows all the desires of my heart. God can put him at bay but doesn't. I'm tired of being tested and put thru trials and going them alone, not to mention my own wife becoming a tool used against me. My own family being destroyed ...
How am I supposed to submit to God under these conditions? How am I supposed to minister? Nobody hears the words of vagabonds or broken down drifters today. If you don't have some kind of status, some sort of stability for people to see, its impossible to convince them that your faith means anything. Many "homeless" and mentally ill individuals talk about God constantly and people just ignore them. If I'm going to be some sort of messenger I need my wife with me, some form of stability, an income. Something a long those lines to help me feel realistic and relevant ...
My own nature doesn't even allow me to simply accept how things are, unlike how easy it is for most people. In my heart I know this is all wrong. So as you can imagine I'm very torn about what to do ... I mean everything I've prayed for lines up with Bible and God's own will for marriage and family. So I'm pretty lost as to why I'm not even able to have a relationship with my daughter or find a stable job.
I am not undeserving ...
Right now I'm stuck in another town with a busted up hand and my head is filled with only uncertainty ...