Post by TheFirebrand on Apr 25, 2014 19:22:56 GMT -6
My whole existence right now is virtually pointless. If I'm not wasting away somewhere on the internet, I'm just sitting somewhere outdoors staring. And there are always people, families around. Some people get sociable. Its pointless to tell people you're homeless. They either just say sorry or they turn away from you.
.........
I suppose one sign of it getting warmer is the bugs being out in their little swarms, but the breeze is still just chilly enough that I need my coats at night. I am real tired of going back and forth every day to where I hide my stuff. Not having my scooter, now the fact that I won't be able to another one is just kicking me while I'm down. This bipolar weather is making things so hard. I get too hot during the day and too cold at night. Keeping myself and my clothes clean is added stress I dont need. Being trapped at one end of town all the time and always being out in public is turning me into a prisoner. I can't set up my own survival camp anywhere because of the government control over all the land. I'm forced to blend in and look like everyone else. This not freedom any more than working for some greedy company and paying taxes, but I would rather be doing that at least long enough to make the money I need to live and build on the survival plan my wife and I had been trying to before.
I no longer have my rifle and sword or the food we had stocked. She bought me that rifle, all my ammo and accessories. I sold it for her because we lost so much money in another situation. Later I was able to earn a litle more. Then when her personality change finally landed me on the streets, all that money was wasted to sustain me before others helped ...
Her choices are obviously very poor for a number of reasons, but condemning me as she did after the personal sacrifices I made out of my love for her ... as well as the sacrifices she made out of her love for me and her commitment to our marriage, its all wasted.
Unless redemption is given the chance it desperately needs to be found, she and our daughter will continue living in a lie and anything I do from now on will be meaningless
.........
Everyday I'm down here and every night. Always I'm remembering when we came here our first summer together. Always I'm reminded of our footsteps here and where we stood together, walked together. There are few spots down here that were untouched by us those few times we visited. I wish we had come here more often. I wish any one thing in our marriage could have gone differently, even my own choices or actions. That one thing, that one time could have directed our path, our life together to a better place than this ...
There is no better place on earth for a man than with his wife and children. There is no better calling than to be a man of God with his family at his side.
There is no greater peace than awaken each morning with her in my arms ...
If this is how I'm meant to live, as a loser that nobody wants around, as an undesirable who will never find redemption, never be a husband and father, never be a family man, never be more than an internet personality ...
If this is how I must exist then I don't want to exist at all anymore. I've mentioned what I would give up for a chance at restoration, but if there be anything more then this I clasp onto need only to take it from me in exchange for the God has already given me ...
After writing all this I only had one thing to say to God; "These are my prayers"
.........
I suppose one sign of it getting warmer is the bugs being out in their little swarms, but the breeze is still just chilly enough that I need my coats at night. I am real tired of going back and forth every day to where I hide my stuff. Not having my scooter, now the fact that I won't be able to another one is just kicking me while I'm down. This bipolar weather is making things so hard. I get too hot during the day and too cold at night. Keeping myself and my clothes clean is added stress I dont need. Being trapped at one end of town all the time and always being out in public is turning me into a prisoner. I can't set up my own survival camp anywhere because of the government control over all the land. I'm forced to blend in and look like everyone else. This not freedom any more than working for some greedy company and paying taxes, but I would rather be doing that at least long enough to make the money I need to live and build on the survival plan my wife and I had been trying to before.
I no longer have my rifle and sword or the food we had stocked. She bought me that rifle, all my ammo and accessories. I sold it for her because we lost so much money in another situation. Later I was able to earn a litle more. Then when her personality change finally landed me on the streets, all that money was wasted to sustain me before others helped ...
Her choices are obviously very poor for a number of reasons, but condemning me as she did after the personal sacrifices I made out of my love for her ... as well as the sacrifices she made out of her love for me and her commitment to our marriage, its all wasted.
Unless redemption is given the chance it desperately needs to be found, she and our daughter will continue living in a lie and anything I do from now on will be meaningless
.........
Everyday I'm down here and every night. Always I'm remembering when we came here our first summer together. Always I'm reminded of our footsteps here and where we stood together, walked together. There are few spots down here that were untouched by us those few times we visited. I wish we had come here more often. I wish any one thing in our marriage could have gone differently, even my own choices or actions. That one thing, that one time could have directed our path, our life together to a better place than this ...
There is no better place on earth for a man than with his wife and children. There is no better calling than to be a man of God with his family at his side.
There is no greater peace than awaken each morning with her in my arms ...
If this is how I'm meant to live, as a loser that nobody wants around, as an undesirable who will never find redemption, never be a husband and father, never be a family man, never be more than an internet personality ...
If this is how I must exist then I don't want to exist at all anymore. I've mentioned what I would give up for a chance at restoration, but if there be anything more then this I clasp onto need only to take it from me in exchange for the God has already given me ...
After writing all this I only had one thing to say to God; "These are my prayers"