Post by TheFirebrand on Jul 12, 2013 21:10:39 GMT -6
I obviously am not living as I'd like, and obviously I'm not living the way we think of most preachers living today, but for whatever reason this is where God has me. I didn't choose to be unemployed with a broken marriage. I haven't stopped trying myself or stopped trusting God to get out of this mess. All I can do is what I know. Pray and be patient with my wife, pray and take care of my daughter, pray and look for work, pray and leave the haters to God ... and so on. That's all I know.
I've never had the fortune of knowing enough people or the right kinds of people to wheel and deal my way thru life. I've never had the advantage or head start when I was younger. I was thrown into the world long before I was ready to be in the world. There were times when I was stable and making money. Later I traveled. While I was traveling everything seemed to change over night. Suddenly it was harder to find jobs. It was harder to save money.
When I came here and got married things were looking up. That did not last long. Everything from circumstances to other people were stacked against us. These things were not new to me, but my wife was not prepared for this. I don't care how many ways people put it, she did not deserve this after only having a very short time out in the world. Ultimately it has brought us to where we are now. I can pass blame around and make excuses until I turn purple. Im guilty of plenty. So is my wife. Really tho, it was a lot our own lack of faith and planning. Of course I thought we were gonna be fine. Still, hindsight ...
Now here we are. All the sudden my wife thinks marrying me is a mistake even tho we married under Gods own doing. I can't say as I blame her. I blame myself for certain things too.
The only difference between her and I is that I did not allow circumstances and people to change how I feel about her. You have to consider that this was all new to her. I wish so greatly that everything would have gone differently and waited a lot longer before we were hit by such hardships.
We were only married three months and lived in our own place for three months before it all hit the fan. That was not a substantial or fair amount of time, especially for Megan, to grow together, to learn how to live together, to create a strong spiritual relationship with God and each other.
People think what they want about me now, but I am deeply pained by the way things are going (or not going) after all this time. All the support and encouragement we once had has all turned face and made me the enemy. As if its all my fault even tho I looked for more work almost everyday for the past several months. Even tho I take care of my daughter and was being very supportive of my wife when she found a job. Even tho I haven't just given up and run away like most men would do when everyone turns against them. Of course if I did that Id still be seen as the bad guy ...
The most annoying thing about it all is that the people who have turned face on me think that they are so great because they have had some good fortune and perhaps have forgotten their own hardships ... they don't even exist within the same zip code of people I've dealt with in the past. Sure I was caught off guard a couple times and over reacted to some things. But those moments do not dictate the kind of person I am in general. Like anyone else, I take some getting use to, and I also need time to warm up to others. Some of you just didn't want to forgive and move on. You'd rather keep a grudge and add more malice to the situation ...
Anyway, I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of seeing my ugly side anymore. Apparently you already have your own images of me decided and don't believe in forgiveness or second chances. So then I guess it was some of your own influence that helped to turn my wife against me too. She believed in me once ...
Well I still believe in her. I still believe in Gods will and His covenant. I still believe in my own heart and no one is going to dictate or influence me to turn against those ...
Oh I forgot that's why a lot of people don't like me. Because they can't control or manipulate or intimidate me ...
I've never had the fortune of knowing enough people or the right kinds of people to wheel and deal my way thru life. I've never had the advantage or head start when I was younger. I was thrown into the world long before I was ready to be in the world. There were times when I was stable and making money. Later I traveled. While I was traveling everything seemed to change over night. Suddenly it was harder to find jobs. It was harder to save money.
When I came here and got married things were looking up. That did not last long. Everything from circumstances to other people were stacked against us. These things were not new to me, but my wife was not prepared for this. I don't care how many ways people put it, she did not deserve this after only having a very short time out in the world. Ultimately it has brought us to where we are now. I can pass blame around and make excuses until I turn purple. Im guilty of plenty. So is my wife. Really tho, it was a lot our own lack of faith and planning. Of course I thought we were gonna be fine. Still, hindsight ...
Now here we are. All the sudden my wife thinks marrying me is a mistake even tho we married under Gods own doing. I can't say as I blame her. I blame myself for certain things too.
The only difference between her and I is that I did not allow circumstances and people to change how I feel about her. You have to consider that this was all new to her. I wish so greatly that everything would have gone differently and waited a lot longer before we were hit by such hardships.
We were only married three months and lived in our own place for three months before it all hit the fan. That was not a substantial or fair amount of time, especially for Megan, to grow together, to learn how to live together, to create a strong spiritual relationship with God and each other.
People think what they want about me now, but I am deeply pained by the way things are going (or not going) after all this time. All the support and encouragement we once had has all turned face and made me the enemy. As if its all my fault even tho I looked for more work almost everyday for the past several months. Even tho I take care of my daughter and was being very supportive of my wife when she found a job. Even tho I haven't just given up and run away like most men would do when everyone turns against them. Of course if I did that Id still be seen as the bad guy ...
The most annoying thing about it all is that the people who have turned face on me think that they are so great because they have had some good fortune and perhaps have forgotten their own hardships ... they don't even exist within the same zip code of people I've dealt with in the past. Sure I was caught off guard a couple times and over reacted to some things. But those moments do not dictate the kind of person I am in general. Like anyone else, I take some getting use to, and I also need time to warm up to others. Some of you just didn't want to forgive and move on. You'd rather keep a grudge and add more malice to the situation ...
Anyway, I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of seeing my ugly side anymore. Apparently you already have your own images of me decided and don't believe in forgiveness or second chances. So then I guess it was some of your own influence that helped to turn my wife against me too. She believed in me once ...
Well I still believe in her. I still believe in Gods will and His covenant. I still believe in my own heart and no one is going to dictate or influence me to turn against those ...
Oh I forgot that's why a lot of people don't like me. Because they can't control or manipulate or intimidate me ...